I’m not broken

I’m not sick.

I’m not in pain.

I’m no bitchier than normal.

There is only a piece of film and words on a page that say there is breast cancer in my body.

I look the same.

Maybe I don’t look the same. Maybe sometimes the mask slips and some worry flashes across my eyes.

That’s only normal.

I’m afraid of the unknown.

But don’t be afraid of me.

While I stood looking out the waiting room window at my first appointment I knew that I would be sharing this very personal journey in a public way. The first writings flowed effortlessly.

And the love poured in.

Emails, texts, social media messages and cards came in with words of encouragement that I hadn’t realized I needed so much. It has touched me so deeply in a way that no words can express.

But then a weird thing happened. The love and concern started to backfire.

Some of my regular clients started asking if they should cancel their appointments.

One of my clients even said he was not comfortable with me working on him. “Why?” I asked. He has been a client for years. “Because you are broken”, he replied. He admitted that he had wanted to cancel his appointment but his wife wouldn’t let him. I’m grateful to her.

After reassuring him that I felt no different and I wasn’t broken he relaxed and had a great bodywork session.

This kind of health awareness has even deeper implications for a solopreneur.

I have needs.

I need the distraction. I need to feel useful. I need the income.

I’ve worked hard to build my business and be of service to my community. You’ve supported me when you didn’t know my personal struggles.

Now that you know….please keep supporting.

I’ve been honest about my challenges with receiving. I’m an independent, do-it-myself kind of woman. I don’t like to ask for help. I make up all kinds of reasons in my head why I have to go it alone.

Mostly I’m afraid of being vulnerable.

It’s almost like I’ve backed myself into this corner of constant fear. When did that happen? I have a list of crazy things I did when I was younger without ever thinking of being afraid.

On a whim I stopped on the side of the road for a crazy looking trucker who swore he only wanted to look at my map. Then on a bet I married him.

Looking back on our 32 years together I would say that act of fearlessness worked out great.

Maybe asking for help won’t be so bad after all.

So how can you help me?

(click to learn more)

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