My back is locked up.
An involuntary “ouch” was just uttered by any person that has ever experienced this pain.
It hurts a lot. And I knew it was coming. Well I didn’t know it was going to be this bad but I knew I was in trouble and I didn’t listen to my body. I was getting a little stiff and had some pop up pain that jumped from side to side for a few days. I sporadically took some tincture but didn’t change any of my behaviors. Then on Sunday it happened….my back quit working.
It is my low back on the left side. Touching the area I can feel the muscles that are locked up. The Quadratus Lumborum that connects my hip bone and lower back vertebrae to the 12th rib feels like steel. That explains why it also hurts to breathe. My hands have worked on the painful backs of hundreds of other people but today I can’t stop my own pain.
Emergency response procedures have been started. I have gone to the chiropractor, taken Pain Relief Tincture often, have Dragon Balm applied generously, drinking lots of water and made a massage appointment.
I’m not good but I’m better.
Once I had the emergency responses in place I began to look at what really got me here. Why does my back hurt so badly?
To every physical symptom of the body there is a corresponding energetic/emotional component. How we think and feel about things will show up in our physical body. Certain emotions are tied to particular parts of the body. When we allow our emotions to be out of balance we create energy blockages in the corresponding parts of the body and over time those energy blockages become solid enough to cause physical pain.
Many years ago one of my mentors, Marsha Craven of Healing Arts Connection, shared the concept of “if you do not listen you will feel”. This means that if you do not listen to the subtle signs your body gives you about needing care it will eventually escalate to pain.
I have been overwhelmed, overworked and stuck in thoughts of scarcity. I’ve filled my days from the time my feel hit the floor until I fall back into bed. I only accepted a fraction of the help that has been offered and all along I have felt I should be doing more.
I have not made my own self care a priority.
Just like it is hard to use my own hands to massage away my physical pain it is also difficult to see my own emotional stuff. But I have the skills and as I start to really focus and become present I can see my current patterns emerging.
My work has a physical component, not like someone doing construction physical but it gets me tired sometimes. I’m a service based solopreneur. That’s just a fancy way of saying that it’s just me and if I don’t do the work I don’t get paid. So I’ve been really filling my days trying to create income. Those full days working on other people left no time for me.
It came as no surprise that when the pain finally settled on one side it was the left side. The left side of the body represents the receiving side of a person. I have not been allowing myself to receive. I often refuse help that is offered, sometimes automatically without even thinking about it. Does my subconscious think that accepting help means I am not good enough? Am I afraid someone won’t love me because I am not superwoman?
Maybe.
I also haven’t allowed myself to receive the work that I know benefits this body. I can’t remember the last time I had a massage. Bad me. In my defense, part of the reason I can’t remember is because I have menopause brain and sometimes things just get forgotten. But I know for sure that I am overdue.
This morning I picked up Louise Hay’s book Heal Your Body to see what she says about pain in the back. Her book gives the mental causes for physical illness. She breaks back pain into 3 areas; the lower back where I am experiencing pain is “Fear of money. Lack of financial support.”
Louise knows her stuff.
As I get control of this pain I vow also to get control of my self care. I will get regular massages, always having my next one scheduled and not waiting until I am in pain. I will leave some open time in my schedule and not be scared of the white space on my calendar. I will consider every offer of help and accept when appropriate. I will trust that the Universe provides and I will love myself and my body.
What are you willing to do differently for your own self care?